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Last year, I faced a situation that still makes me feel guilty to think about to this day.
My second British Bulldog Oskar bounced into my life as a puppy seven years ago, when my first, Maggie, was almost two — as I wanted her to have a friend when I was at work.
At first, they were in love with each other, and Maggie took on her big-sister role very seriously. But two year later, things changed for the worse.
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Oskar, who was always sweet and caring, would become vicious if another dog came close while we were out walking.
At first, it was a growl here and there towards Maggie, then Oskar started attacking her if she came too close to me.
I was constantly breaking up full-blown dog fights, and I felt completely lost as I couldn't understand the change in his behaviour.
I researched a lot online and sought advice from trainers and a vet behaviourist. I was constantly crying my eyes out at the vet, asking for answers.
I would have to lock up the dogs when people came over because Oskar would not let Maggie near anyone.
We started him on anti-anxiety medication to try to calm him.
It helped a little bit, but it also made him drowsy most of the time; it was not the life he deserved.
It all came to a head last year when Oskar started attacking Maggie, who would be fast asleep, the minute I walked through the front door.
At this point, I was walking on glass in my own home.
I was always on edge anticipating the dogs' interactions and living in a heightened state of fear a fight was going to break out.
This is when I started thinking about one of the biggest decisions of my life: did I need to rehome Oskar?
I reached out to multiple rescue groups and did not hear back from one.
I felt guilty and embarrassed about my decision.
Would people judge me? In my head raced questions that I thought people might think: 'How could you pick one dog over the other dog? Did you try this? Did you do this?'
I probably would have judged someone back in the day for the same thing. But until you’re put in that position, no one knows what it's like.
Luckily, a vet nurse friend put me in contact with a dog trainer named Michael, who I now refer to as our guardian angel.
After a long phone conversation with him, he offered to take Oskar and retrain him with the goal of eventually rehoming him to a loving one-dog household.
We then had a longer conversation in person at his house and then I made an appointment with my behaviourist vet to make sure I was making the right decision before I relinquished my legal rights over Oskar to Michael.
She said it was probably the best option Oskar would ever have and that he was very lucky to have the opportunity.
The day I dropped Oskar off at Michael's house was the hardest of my life.
He was my child, and I felt like I had let him down. To this day, I still feel like this.
Oskar stayed with Michael for six months, and in that time, he became a different dog. And this time, for the better.
Michael and I were very picky with who would get Oskar but eventually, a man with experience with bulldogs and aggressive dogs applied to adopt him.
After a two-week trial, the man decided he would keep him and now Oskar has a forever home where he receives lots of attention from three children and walks along the beach every night.
And as the family live two suburbs away from me, I still get to see Oskar.
With my hand on my heart, I believe he is loved and much happier.
Rehoming Oskar is something I still don't really talk about and not many people know about it.
I don't have children but to me, it felt like I had to pick which child to keep. I couldn't cope and I really judged myself for it.
I still replay the situation in my head every night. But at the end of the day, I know it was the right decision.
Maggie is a different dog — she plays with toys again and is no longer on edge. And I am no longer in a high anxiety state needing to keep the dogs separated and watching over them at all hours.
But in my heart, I still have two beautiful bulldogs who I love very much.
I just wish we could all be together.
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