When *Amy told three friends that she was cancelling her gym membership and wouldn’t be eating in restaurants for a while to focus on paying off debt, the silence was palpable.
“These are friends I’ve had for a decade, but all I got back was blank stares and silence. It made me feel like I had overstepped a line by mentioning money,” the account manager from Melbourne admits.
While Amy didn’t exactly talk money specifics with her friends, the fact was that her mortgage was increasingly difficult to cover after recent interest rate rises. “The strange looks they gave me made me wonder whether they were really my friends at all,” Amy admits.
While she wasn’t admitting she was poor, Amy was exposing financial difficulties that she hadn’t before, and was shocked by their silence.
Money has long been a taboo topic socially, but that’s changing as many of us find ourselves caught in awkward conversations with friends and family (and in this economy, the lack thereof).
Dinner invitations on the weekend are great – if you can afford it. But it’s an expense many budgets just won’t stretch to these days. In an attempt not to offend our friends, many of us accompany the polite decline with an excuse or reason for not being able to attend.
If you’re struggling financially, it’s understandable that you might not want to tell your friends. But keeping up appearances could be difficult if you’re trying to pull back on spending, financial wellbeing expert, Jane Monica-Jones says.
“It can feel vulnerable to tell friends that you’re unable to cover the bills. The worry can be that revealing that could prompt some social friendships to pull away,” she says.
Many social narratives suggest that you should have your money sorted, and if you haven’t, you can be left feeling like there’s something wrong with you, she says.
“Comparing ourselves to others can be very painful. Some people who have a lot of money can feel shame, while those who don’t have a lot of money can also feel shame.”
This is one of the reasons that it doesn’t feel right to share how much we earn with friends, Monica-Jones says. Putting a number of what you’re worth in the workplace can establish a social pecking order that puts the higher earner at the top.
“The definition of success can be very narrow and is usually associated with money, regardless of whether we’re well liked in our community. The fact is that if we have a lot of money, we’re seen as successful.”
“If you’re not earning as much as your friends, you could feel that you’re not measuring up, which doesn’t feel psychologically safe for a lot of us,” she says.
Keeping finances quiet prevents social comparisons, but are we doing ourselves a disservice? Sharing holiday deals and discounts or sales could help our friends, after all.
While we don’t tend to discuss money with friends much, she has noticed people are more open about investing, which encourages greater understanding.
“While I’m not praising crypto, it has democratised investing and got people talking about all types of investments in society. It’s a money topic that friends feel safe discussing,” she says.
Monica-Jones encourages people to be open about their salary with workplace colleagues to expose pay gaps. “If we get a pay rise, it’s worth sharing the news with those around you at work.”
At the end of the day, money shouldn’t come between good friends. And if it does, maybe you need some new ones. Amy, for one, is actively hunting.
“I joined a walking group last week and reckon I’ll have some new friends in no time.”
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