I turned 40 a few years ago . For my 21st and 30th birthdays I got jewellery from my parents, so when they didn’t ask what I wanted, I assumed they would follow this tradition. But I got nothing. Not even an apology. It later transpired that they thought I was turning 41. But even then to receive nothing is hurtful . They blamed it on old age and said they had been struggling with their health.
I place a lot of importance on gift giving . It isn’t about the value, but it’s nice to feel someone has spent time thinking about you . To get nothing just screamed that they didn’t care.
I already have a difficult relationship with my parents because my sister made my childhood a misery. I now refuse to be in her presence. This means my parents have to choose who to spend Christmas with, but even when they want to make it my year, I ’ve often been left feeling I’m the last one to be considered as they’re too busy running round trying to make sure everyone else is happy. I went to stay one year (at their insistence) but on the understanding they would have dinner with my sister . That wasn’t a problem, but they left nothing in the house for me to make my own dinner .
I recently got a new job and moved closer to my parents again, and I’m dreading this year’s holidays. I don’t want to spend them together, but my parents will expect to see me. I don’t think they realise how hurt I still am . How can I navigate this?
Your longer letter was riven with anger and resentment. Psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer and I both felt your emotions came from a very young place. Vahrmeyer also pointed out that there’s a difference between being “uncared for and not cared about. You feel uncared for, but there’s evidence your parents do care about you. There seems to be a longstanding belief that you don’t matter to your parents, and no gift is ever going to resolve that conviction. The presents seem to be a proxy for an older grievance.”
We wondered what this grievance was. There’s a hint about your sister, and perhaps you see love as either/or – her or me. I really felt for you, but I also felt for your parents, because it seems whatever they do is wrong. It sounds as if you are almost setting yourself up for the inevitable disappointment. Vahrmeyer said this “suggested a repetitive relational pattern in which almost any parental response reinforces the belief of being overlooked. And sometimes being proved right can become more important than finding a way forward, perpetuating resentment rather than allowing repair.”
What are these health issues your parents have? Could they have some cognitive decline? As children, we have this magical idea that our parents automatically know what we want without us articulating it. Some parents are very good at this, some never are, and some replace this “mind-reading instinct” with actual communication as the child grows up. But parents aren’t mind-readers. There seemed a staggering lack of communication in your family at times. Does it feel impossible to tell them how you feel?
“Some of your parents’ behaviour is genuinely inconsiderate,” said Vahrmeyer, “and there’s an apparent absence of meaningful repair. But disappointing behaviour is not necessarily evidence of an absence of love. Both realities can coexist.”
You asked what to do about Christmas. “Decide independently,” counselled Vahrmeyer, “rather than making attendance or absence another test of parental love. And address the underlying grievance directly, separately from Christmas. The aim should be about gaining understanding rather than assigning blame.”
I would also consider therapy, to look at these feelings with someone who makes time for just you.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected] . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions . The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here .
